Chris Kattan has some magic fingers. But only for the ladies.

A little over a year ago, I wrote a tweet that went something along the lines of,

“I want someone to be on the cover of ‘People’ for announcing that they’re straight. I’m looking at you, Chris Kattan.”

At the time, I thought it was hilarious. I still do, actually. In fact, I think it’s a legitimate recommendation.

A celebrity departing from the closet is old news. We’ve all heard that story before. So why not freshen things up with a piece on the daily struggles of a straight celebrity? You know, the hardships they had to go through while attempting to sustain a so-called “normal lifestyle”. Like trying to convince everyone around them that they are, indeed, straight. And if you think coming out to your friends and family is tough, just imagine what this unfortunate group of people have to go through every single day. “No, seriously, I’m not gay. I like women. I love women. Why won’t you believe me?”

Talk about a frustrating process.

I mean, would you like to constantly repeat yourself and regularly defend your sexuality? Yeah, me neither. And you know what? I’m not going to sit here and pretend like the burden that these straight celebrities carry with them at all times doesn’t bother me. It does. What these celebrities have is a curse and it needs to be broken. They can continue to tell people over and over again that they’re not gay, but until it’s on the cover of a magazine, it’s not official.

There needs to be some sort of formality for all of this. Because when a homosexual celebrity says, “I’m gay,” that’s the end of it. But when a straight, but believed to be gay celebrity says, “I’m straight,” everyone just rolls his or her eyes with a collective, “Yeah right.” And as an American citizen who believes in equal rights, I will not stand for that!

No longer will straybe’s (straight, but believed to be gay celebrities) have to walk this great land in embarrassment and shame. Straight is beautiful, too. And it needs to be recognized. And, as my tweet indicated, I can think of no better candidate than Chris Kattan to make this happen. So let’s sign a petition or some sort of strongly-worded letter to get him on the cover of People Magazine’s first ever “I’m Straight” issue.

That’s assuming, of course, that Chris Kattan is actually straight. As far as I know, that is still up for debate. Thus further proving the importance of this proposal.